Year: 1992
Runtime: 92 min
Director: David A. Prior
Starring: Ted Prior, Charlene Tilton, Robert Davi, Tony Curtis, Bo Hopkins, Charles Napier
Have you ever seen a conspiracy board? You know what I’m talking about, the bulletin board in some cheesy B-movie that has dozens of random photographs and enough string to make ugly Christmas sweaters for the entire Griswold family? Yeah. You can picture it now. A board with no purpose other than to show us, the viewer, just how the owner of the board is obsessed with solving “the case”. The photos, they mean nothing but to offer us visual stimulation. The string connecting them to scraps of paper with ominous, one-word descriptions is all smoke and mirrors to make us think that someone has been very clever, putting together this sinister plan, whatever it may be.
And I think just such a madcap plot device was used in place of a script for Center of the Web, a plodding Action International Pictures release from David A. Prior that lands with all the grace and subtlety of a hippo doing cartwheels.
The plot sounds good on paper, mostly because it steals from some of the best thrillers out there, as it follows supposed drama teacher John Phillips (played by the director’s brother, Ted Prior) as he becomes embroiled in a political assassination. You see, he is mistaken for a hitman (because he happens to be wearing a leather jacket, I kid you not) and forced to go along with the ruse by a very serious man from the Justice Department played by direct-to-video stalwart Robert Davi.
Of course, our drama teacher’s play-acting as a killer-for-hire soon takes an ugly turn when the assassination goes off without a hitch and he is framed as the triggerman.
It’s familiar, even a bit pedestrian, but not without its merit as a straightforward action/thriller. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for even this simple plot to run completely off the rails.
And I mean off the rails like a train crash. One you can’t quite look away from, even though there’s nothing you can do to help.
Nothing makes sense in the wacky world created by the brothers Prior. You see, no one is who they claim to be, not our grunting man of inaction, John Phillips, not his girlfriend, who happens to be the assistant district attorney, not the man from the Justice Department, not Tony Curtis who—actually, no, Tony Curtis’s character acts like a bad guy, talks like a bad guy, and despite the fact that the movie thinks it’s some kind of secret, he really is the bad guy. Or, at least one of them.
And that’s not a spoiler, because as I mentioned above, the movie seems to think that we can’t tell the identity of the man issuing sinister orders from behind a leather office chair, but he sounds exactly like Tony Curtis. It’s not a coincidence, I assure you.
The hubris on display is quite astounding. Somehow, the movie wants to believe that its audience is as dumb as its characters. But we aren’t. At least, I’m not. I doubt you are. You won’t be taken in by the nonsensical twists to the story, each of which is more outlandish than the last and none of which bear the slightest bit of logic.
So I hope I’ve made it clear that plot of Center of the Web is more than a bit crap. But, I hear you ask, what of that deliciously goofy direct-to-video action we’ve come to expect from an AIP movie? First off, cut it out, no one ever says things like that, not even me, and I’ve seen most of AIP’s library. Second off, those action scenes are also pretty crap.
You see, this is not an action movie. It is a “thriller” and that means it operates on a different set of principles from most no-budget action flicks. Here, we do not have time for such frivolous things as “shootouts” or “car chases”. No, we replace the shootouts with shouting, so that we know our characters are serious about these serious events. We do get one car chase, or more accurately schoolbus chase, but it is as slow as a foot race between a pair of one-legged lepers and certainly less interesting.
I will give Ted Prior some credit in the running and doing his own stunts department. He does look convincing as he bolts up seven flights of stairs and climbs out of the overturned wreck of his car. He sweats, he bleeds a little, his eyes bulge in astonishment at each new development. He tries to play his role as best he can, but he ends up hamstrung by his maddeningly stupid dialog. Not everyone tries as hard.
Charlene Tilton, the love interest/assistant district attorney, struggles as though she is actually playing two very different roles. I mean, yes, she is, but she never once convincingly brings them together. It’s literally as if she just stopped playing her established character in the final third of the movie and became her twin sister, who looks identical, but is insane.
And Robert Davi? The man who can bring gravitas and intensity to any low-budget romp? Well he doesn’t even bother to phone in a performance. He recites his dialog with all the eagerness of the boy forced to play the role of “tree and asst. scenery” in a grade school play.
Even the great Charles Napier is wasted in a role that lasts for less than a minute, despite being billed prominently in the opening credits.
By the end, no one wants to be here. The story is wrapped up with more of a shrug than any satisfying denouement. There are no consequences for the characters who lied, who threatened, who maybe committed murder. There is nothing but smiles and hugs. I understand. It’s a fair reaction to finally getting out of this intensely stupid movie.
All of this would be tolerable in a bad movie kind of way if the direction wasn’t so bland and listless. This plays more like a forty-minute episode of a CBS crime drama stretched to ninety minutes. It desperately needed a shot of adrenaline to pick up the pace, instead of relying on endless revelations that bog down the proceedings to such an extent that even Dan Brown would weep in agony.
The worst crime that Center of the Web commits is that it is simply boring. It has nothing exciting, comedic, or lurid to offer the viewer, aside from those mind-boggling character turns that left me confused and shaking my head.
You can safely leave this particular web untouched.
